We Both Got an F on Our Animal-Eating Test
Vegans are weird,
or so I’ve heard
Through overblown
infatuations with protein,
talks of celestial powers
bringing animals into existence
for that very reason
Man’s arrogant claims
of superiority
Don’t be naïve and ignorant,
blinded by sentiment
Animals are to eat,
they tell me
Let’s include a simple
computation
as we examine this argument
Start with 5,000
The number of mammal species,
rounded down for simplicity
Mammals aren’t alone,
we need to add in birds
So 10,000 species with feathers
plus 5,000 hairy bastards
Now math class
is just a shady memory
in my distant past,
but I think I can handle this one
15,000 animals
Oh wait! We need reptiles
That’s 9,000 species there
Shit, I’ve got to carry a one?!
Um, oh, ah… 24,000
I’m done!
Fucking fish!
27,000 of them!
“Seven and four is
eleven once more”
Two twos with that one…
54,000
My math teacher
would be proud,
if I could only
remember her name
Amphibians,
those weird motherfuckers
who can’t just pick a home
7,000 species still to add
Four and seven, carry the one
Damn, where’s my calculator?
Change the five to a six
61,000!
Insects??
You’ve got to be kidding me
Do they even count??
Two million???
At least we get those zeros
That’s two million,
sixty-one thousand
animals in the world
And you eat, what, four?
Cow, pig, chicken, turkey?
Okay, maybe you eat
duck, crab, deer,
walleye, carp, salmon,
trout, tuna, lobster,
shrimp, rabbit, lamb
I can still count that on
my fingers and toes
Perhaps you tried turtle once,
alligator or squid
I’ll even add in an extra ten
for any I might have missed
Let’s round that up to 30
Maybe, just maybe,
you’ve eaten thirty species
Thirty out of
two million,
sixty-one thousand
I don’t need long division
to tell me that’s not even close
to one percent
Wait. You said I was silly
You went on and on about protein
You said God gave you animals to eat
You’re slacking
So, wash down
your double cockroach horseburger
with organic llama milk
Dip your bluejay wings
in delightful gecko sauce
Serve your orca salad
with shaved donkey on the top
Skunk jerkey,
Kangaroo sliders,
Guinea pig and spider stew
Animals are for eating,
you sentimental fool
Beagles, bats, and beavers,
baked or barbequed
Falcons, fleas, flamingos,
fresh or fondued
Camels, cats, canaries
in a creamy casserole
Go ahead
Tantalize your taste buds
Crunch, munch, chomp,
slurp, chug, gulp
I’ll wait…
Or maybe,
not eating animals
isn’t that weird
after all